I hate love

Love sucks. Putting your heart out there to get trampled on hurts. I continuously make a fool of myself in the name of love for no sane reason whatsoever. I can see myself like I'm watching a horror movie and I don't do anything to stop the insanity. I call when I know he won't answer. I wait for his call knowing he won't. He calls and I don't say what's on my mind. I pick up the phone to call a million times a day and lose my nerve. I can't stand not being around him. I feel like a complete idiot when I am. I stumble over my words and say the most insane things when I talk to him. He has reduced me to a stumbling, bumbling moron who can't hold a decent conversation and I behave like I'm twelve years old.

I make myself sick. I constantly talk to myself trying to coax the sanity back but to no avail. Insanity wins again. I have cried myself to sleep more times than not. This rollercoaster I have put myself on is wicked and I can't seem to get off. My insides are turned inside out and pain in my heart is becoming unbearable. I know what to do but can't seem to do it.

The response

"I apologize for that email. I was just really upset, you know that aint like me. i was having a moment- sorry"

I didn't respond to his email when he called me names and I didn't respond to his attempt at an apology because I don't believe it. This is the type of behavior that led to the demise of our relationship. He would say/do mean, hurtful things, apologize and repeat the process. After 10 years of this, I got tired. That roller coaster ride got old.

I stayed as long as I did because I don't like divorce, I wanted the kids to have a 2 parent family unit, I felt guilty for wanting to leave and I wasn't financially prepared to do so. It took me 2 years to get over that and do what needed to be done and I have no regrets. I'm on the road to recovery and I am doing well in some areas and not so well in others which means I'm a work in process! I acknowledge my successes and my failures. I am also willing to take responsibility for my failures instead of going into denial. Progress!!

Going forward, I will continue to weigh my options and be careful to make the right decisions that work best for me. I will take advice if it is good and discount what isn't. I will continue to put me and my needs first on my list and will make an effort to not hesitate when changes are needed in my life and with the people in my life.

Continuing to keep it real, I have entertained the thought of getting married again but I know I'm not ready and perhaps never will. I will keep an open mind though because I am changing and I reserve the right to change my mind when I'm mature enough to do so. I will not allow others to persuade me to do otherwise no matter how good it sounds.

Keeping it real part 3

He asked me if I thought he was using me. I said no. He is but I'm allowing it so therefore I'm okay with it. In a relationship, there is a giver and a taker. He is a taker and I am a giver. I don't have a problem with it until it becomes the norm. I've never been in a relationship when it is reciprocal. I have usually been the giver and I usually get the shaft. I want to be the taker but when I am, I get bored. I prefer to be the giver but to a point. If I am being used, I have a problem with it. Especially if I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of it. If I am, it is no problem. I need to know I am needed and APPRECIATED. I don't like being taken for granted although it is a natural, human tendency.

I think the reason he asked me that out of the blue is because he wanted to see if I thought he was. I do but I denied I did. Why? I'm afraid I'll hurt his feelings by being honest. But he brought it up! What the hell is wrong with me? I HAVE to learn how to be honest and keep it real. Being an adult and acting like it is a bitch. We have to deal with the real or just be phony. I must learn not to care about others' feelings and care about mine. Everybody else seems to have gotten that memo but me.

I want to say what I feel, keep it real and do me. It is easier said than done but I will be happier in the long run. Doing me and keeping it real feels VERY GOOD. Right now, I'm doing me and I am extremely content. Perhaps I will get it one day and let this carry over into all the other aspects of my life, especially when it comes to my relationship. I have to accept that it is okay if he doesn't agree with me or like what I'm saying or doing. I HAVE TO DO ME! Forget about everything else. I was born into this world alone and I will die alone. I can't take anything or anyone with me. I will pray on this.

Trouble in paradise

You have resorted to calling me names like bitch, whore and slut.

What have I done to give you the impression that I'm any of these?

Why are you so comfortable calling me names and assuming it is okay to do so?

What role have I played to give you that impression?

The bigger question is, what am I going to do about it?

I have two options, accept it or reject it.

With either option, I still have to ask myself what role have I played in this? Instead of running away, as usual, it is time to get real.

Honestly, I am sick and tired of being treated this way. Did I ask for this? Apparantly so. I choose these types of men for a reason. Perhaps this is the opinion I have of myself. I am still dealing with insecurity, low self-esteem and the desire to be validated by others. I am fearful of rejection and detest disappointment. In spite of this, I continue to choose men who berate me, belittle me, humiliate me, scorn me, call me names, treat me unkindly, feed into my insecurities, contribute to my low self-esteem, reinforce my idea of me being less than and an object to be used.

It hurts me to realize I have such a low opinion of myself. It hurts me to know that I don't love myself enough to stop hurting myself by allowing others to continue to hurt me. I am disappointed in myself that I still haven't learned anything about myself and how to deal with others. I know I have a long way to go but I think I haven't made any progress at all. I now realize that my support group is right. I am not ready for a relationship. I thought I wanted one but that doesn't matter. I am not ready, I don't need to be in one. It is more work than I need or want.

Was I happier without a boyfriend? Not really. Having someone in my life does not contribute to my happiness. I thought it would. I thought it would fill a void that was missing. There was nothing missing in my life. There was no void. There was no complications, just my perception of one.

So what now?

Time to get real and keep it real

Introspection

I have flaws. I am not perfect. I can admit that. I have not been in a serious relationship before. I mean one that I want to work at and keep. I have never been in love. I've been in like, in lust and all that but not that serious stuff that can move mountains and break you down to someone you didn't know you were.

Well, I'm in a serious relationship. Perhaps I jumped into it too soon after my last relationship but when I met him, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to get to know him better. My feelings are growing stronger for him every day and to be honest, it is scaring me silly. I don't know what to say, when to say it, what to do and when to do it. I'm all mixed up inside and I have no idea what to do about it. I'm sure I'm driving him crazy and I truly don't want to do that. I hope he will be patient with me as I learn my way. I definitely have a lot to learn in this relationship department and I'm willing to do what it takes on my end to make this work. He is worth that.

I never thought I would ever meet someone who affects me this way. I never thought I could love anyone and be loved by anyone. I am learning how to trust him with my heart and smash the walls I have erected around it. To be honest, this is harder than leaving my husband. That was inevitable. This is a choice that I was reluctant to make at first but again, he is worth it.

Perhaps I think to much, analyze too much, worry too much. I need to relax and let this thing do what it do. I am so afraid I'm going to mess up and he won't want me anymore. If I were to lose him, I would be truly devastated. He makes me think, he makes me look inside myself whether I like it or not and makes me keep it real. I've never experienced that before and sometimes I like it, most times I don't. But I know it is necessary for my growth and for this relationship.

I didn't want to be in another relationship because I thought there was no such thing as a man for me. I truly didn't think he existed. Up until now, I was right. He changed my mind. There are good men out there who want to love and be loved in the true sense. God heard my heart and sent him to me. I didn't ask for it and I'm more than thankful that I got it. I will do what it takes to keep it too.

marriage part ll

I was checking my email when a got a thought. Perhaps I am not looking at my life and me correctly. Marriage is not necessarily a bad thing. Being married can mean that someone loves you and has chosen you to be their life partner. That is beautiful. I've been told that I look like I should be married. Well, technically I am but for all intents and purposes I am not. I never wanted to get married and now I am asking myself why. I don't like the commitment part because it is too restrictive but if it is someone that you truly love and want to spend your life with them, it is a beautiful thing.

I don't like the compromise part but again, if this person is someone you have strong feelings for, you want to compromise and you want to see things their way too. (I am still working on that one. I don't see how it benefits me yet). That being said, I have come a long way and have a long way to go.

At least at this point I am beginning to understand why people get married. I cannot say that I have changed my mind about marriage at this point. I still have no desire to jump the broom again. My wounds are still too fresh and too deep. Every time I meet someone new, it is like a brand new knife cutting into my heart. All the pain I experienced in my marriage comes back fresh. I am reminding that I do not want to be committed to anyone ever again. I do not want to set myself up for disappointment again. I am tired of the pain and the hurt and I still hold the belief that love hurts and it is still not worth it. I will continue to fight against falling in love, now more than ever.

love

I recently asked my man if he has ever been in love. He answered yes. Then, he asked me if I've ever been in love. I answered no. That got me to thinking, what is love? Of course love is an emotion but what IS it? Perhaps the question is, have I ever experienced it?

I think I have but I thought it was something else. What I felt didn't fit into the box that people have put love into. I develop strong feelings and rather quickly and it feels good. What I don't like is what comes with that feeling. The strong feelings that come quickly goes away equally as fast. It's like a sugar rush with the crash and burn. My feelings swing like a pendulum.

What has served me well is to avoid it. Even though it feels good, the pain feels worse and it isn't worth it. I try not to fall too fast too quickly but it doesn't always work. Presently, I am trying very hard not to fall in love with my man. He insists that I will fall in love with him and I don't doubt it. Of course I will not tell him that. I am trying to lead him to believe that love is not in the cards for me.

The reality is, it is already a done deal. I fell in love with him last night. God help me.