What have I done to give you the impression that I'm any of these?
Why are you so comfortable calling me names and assuming it is okay to do so?
What role have I played to give you that impression?
The bigger question is, what am I going to do about it?
I have two options, accept it or reject it.
With either option, I still have to ask myself what role have I played in this? Instead of running away, as usual, it is time to get real.
Honestly, I am sick and tired of being treated this way. Did I ask for this? Apparantly so. I choose these types of men for a reason. Perhaps this is the opinion I have of myself. I am still dealing with insecurity, low self-esteem and the desire to be validated by others. I am fearful of rejection and detest disappointment. In spite of this, I continue to choose men who berate me, belittle me, humiliate me, scorn me, call me names, treat me unkindly, feed into my insecurities, contribute to my low self-esteem, reinforce my idea of me being less than and an object to be used.
It hurts me to realize I have such a low opinion of myself. It hurts me to know that I don't love myself enough to stop hurting myself by allowing others to continue to hurt me. I am disappointed in myself that I still haven't learned anything about myself and how to deal with others. I know I have a long way to go but I think I haven't made any progress at all. I now realize that my support group is right. I am not ready for a relationship. I thought I wanted one but that doesn't matter. I am not ready, I don't need to be in one. It is more work than I need or want.
Was I happier without a boyfriend? Not really. Having someone in my life does not contribute to my happiness. I thought it would. I thought it would fill a void that was missing. There was nothing missing in my life. There was no void. There was no complications, just my perception of one.
So what now?
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