marriage part ll

I was checking my email when a got a thought. Perhaps I am not looking at my life and me correctly. Marriage is not necessarily a bad thing. Being married can mean that someone loves you and has chosen you to be their life partner. That is beautiful. I've been told that I look like I should be married. Well, technically I am but for all intents and purposes I am not. I never wanted to get married and now I am asking myself why. I don't like the commitment part because it is too restrictive but if it is someone that you truly love and want to spend your life with them, it is a beautiful thing.

I don't like the compromise part but again, if this person is someone you have strong feelings for, you want to compromise and you want to see things their way too. (I am still working on that one. I don't see how it benefits me yet). That being said, I have come a long way and have a long way to go.

At least at this point I am beginning to understand why people get married. I cannot say that I have changed my mind about marriage at this point. I still have no desire to jump the broom again. My wounds are still too fresh and too deep. Every time I meet someone new, it is like a brand new knife cutting into my heart. All the pain I experienced in my marriage comes back fresh. I am reminding that I do not want to be committed to anyone ever again. I do not want to set myself up for disappointment again. I am tired of the pain and the hurt and I still hold the belief that love hurts and it is still not worth it. I will continue to fight against falling in love, now more than ever.

love

I recently asked my man if he has ever been in love. He answered yes. Then, he asked me if I've ever been in love. I answered no. That got me to thinking, what is love? Of course love is an emotion but what IS it? Perhaps the question is, have I ever experienced it?

I think I have but I thought it was something else. What I felt didn't fit into the box that people have put love into. I develop strong feelings and rather quickly and it feels good. What I don't like is what comes with that feeling. The strong feelings that come quickly goes away equally as fast. It's like a sugar rush with the crash and burn. My feelings swing like a pendulum.

What has served me well is to avoid it. Even though it feels good, the pain feels worse and it isn't worth it. I try not to fall too fast too quickly but it doesn't always work. Presently, I am trying very hard not to fall in love with my man. He insists that I will fall in love with him and I don't doubt it. Of course I will not tell him that. I am trying to lead him to believe that love is not in the cards for me.

The reality is, it is already a done deal. I fell in love with him last night. God help me.