The response

"I apologize for that email. I was just really upset, you know that aint like me. i was having a moment- sorry"

I didn't respond to his email when he called me names and I didn't respond to his attempt at an apology because I don't believe it. This is the type of behavior that led to the demise of our relationship. He would say/do mean, hurtful things, apologize and repeat the process. After 10 years of this, I got tired. That roller coaster ride got old.

I stayed as long as I did because I don't like divorce, I wanted the kids to have a 2 parent family unit, I felt guilty for wanting to leave and I wasn't financially prepared to do so. It took me 2 years to get over that and do what needed to be done and I have no regrets. I'm on the road to recovery and I am doing well in some areas and not so well in others which means I'm a work in process! I acknowledge my successes and my failures. I am also willing to take responsibility for my failures instead of going into denial. Progress!!

Going forward, I will continue to weigh my options and be careful to make the right decisions that work best for me. I will take advice if it is good and discount what isn't. I will continue to put me and my needs first on my list and will make an effort to not hesitate when changes are needed in my life and with the people in my life.

Continuing to keep it real, I have entertained the thought of getting married again but I know I'm not ready and perhaps never will. I will keep an open mind though because I am changing and I reserve the right to change my mind when I'm mature enough to do so. I will not allow others to persuade me to do otherwise no matter how good it sounds.

Keeping it real part 3

He asked me if I thought he was using me. I said no. He is but I'm allowing it so therefore I'm okay with it. In a relationship, there is a giver and a taker. He is a taker and I am a giver. I don't have a problem with it until it becomes the norm. I've never been in a relationship when it is reciprocal. I have usually been the giver and I usually get the shaft. I want to be the taker but when I am, I get bored. I prefer to be the giver but to a point. If I am being used, I have a problem with it. Especially if I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of it. If I am, it is no problem. I need to know I am needed and APPRECIATED. I don't like being taken for granted although it is a natural, human tendency.

I think the reason he asked me that out of the blue is because he wanted to see if I thought he was. I do but I denied I did. Why? I'm afraid I'll hurt his feelings by being honest. But he brought it up! What the hell is wrong with me? I HAVE to learn how to be honest and keep it real. Being an adult and acting like it is a bitch. We have to deal with the real or just be phony. I must learn not to care about others' feelings and care about mine. Everybody else seems to have gotten that memo but me.

I want to say what I feel, keep it real and do me. It is easier said than done but I will be happier in the long run. Doing me and keeping it real feels VERY GOOD. Right now, I'm doing me and I am extremely content. Perhaps I will get it one day and let this carry over into all the other aspects of my life, especially when it comes to my relationship. I have to accept that it is okay if he doesn't agree with me or like what I'm saying or doing. I HAVE TO DO ME! Forget about everything else. I was born into this world alone and I will die alone. I can't take anything or anyone with me. I will pray on this.

Trouble in paradise

You have resorted to calling me names like bitch, whore and slut.

What have I done to give you the impression that I'm any of these?

Why are you so comfortable calling me names and assuming it is okay to do so?

What role have I played to give you that impression?

The bigger question is, what am I going to do about it?

I have two options, accept it or reject it.

With either option, I still have to ask myself what role have I played in this? Instead of running away, as usual, it is time to get real.

Honestly, I am sick and tired of being treated this way. Did I ask for this? Apparantly so. I choose these types of men for a reason. Perhaps this is the opinion I have of myself. I am still dealing with insecurity, low self-esteem and the desire to be validated by others. I am fearful of rejection and detest disappointment. In spite of this, I continue to choose men who berate me, belittle me, humiliate me, scorn me, call me names, treat me unkindly, feed into my insecurities, contribute to my low self-esteem, reinforce my idea of me being less than and an object to be used.

It hurts me to realize I have such a low opinion of myself. It hurts me to know that I don't love myself enough to stop hurting myself by allowing others to continue to hurt me. I am disappointed in myself that I still haven't learned anything about myself and how to deal with others. I know I have a long way to go but I think I haven't made any progress at all. I now realize that my support group is right. I am not ready for a relationship. I thought I wanted one but that doesn't matter. I am not ready, I don't need to be in one. It is more work than I need or want.

Was I happier without a boyfriend? Not really. Having someone in my life does not contribute to my happiness. I thought it would. I thought it would fill a void that was missing. There was nothing missing in my life. There was no void. There was no complications, just my perception of one.

So what now?